Sad morning

It's only 8:30 in the morning and my day hasn't started off on a good note.

This morning was just like every other morning. I took Ava to school and walked her to class. But then, I saw one of Bella's favorite friends. She looked more grown up and was walking with a friend. Chatting as most 3rd graders would on the way to class. When she looked at me, I could see  she didn't know what to do. She smiled politely and went on her way.

I instantly was filled with emotions and my mind was going in so many directions. Imagining it was Bella she was walking to class with. Thinking about what a wonderful little girl Bella was. Everyone loved her. Kids would argue on who would help her or sit next to her. She was so special. Her heart was pure and full of joy. She touched everyone she met. They could see her determination and her fight. 

She was a girly girl. She liked to pick out her clothes. She wanted me to braid her hair. She loved playing barbies. Finding shoes for her was difficult, as her feet started to turn, but Dennis and I did everything we could to find her things that made her feel "normal"  Glittery and sparkly things, pretty and fashionable things. We tried to give her everything she wanted. 

Bella was an extremely intelligent girl. She could read at a 4th grade level in 2nd grade. What she lacked in strength, she made up for in brain power. She was so bright. 

All these thoughts, going through my head. She should be here, experiencing life. As I get in my car to drive home, I can't help but to think about this very day 8 months ago. I look down and realize, I am wearing the very same outfit. I couldn't stop the tears.

For those who know me best, know, that I am not an openly emotional person. So coming here to write is one way for me to be expressive with my emotions. I know if I hold everything in, I'm likely to break at one point, and I'm not sure it would be pretty. So, thank you for listening. I feel much better.

Tip for the day....crying and driving is not recommended.

8 months

I haven't made a post in a couple of months. The new school year started and I sent my last baby off to kindergarten. Cullen is in the 8th grade this year and has 3 high school classes. Super proud of him. So I've been busy with them, but am finally going to sit and write.

Tomorrow will be 8 months since our sweet Bella has left us. I suppose it has gotten easier. There are moments that put me over the edge and the pain is so intense as if it were the first day. But I think it is good to get it out. When school started, that was really hard. When I drop Ava off at school, I visualize the days when Bella was in kindergarten. I was looking forward to the girls going to school together.
I hurt so much for Ava. Bella was such a big part of her life. They were so very close. As close as any two sisters could be. She is still so very young, and I don't want her to ever forget how close they were. She has been affected so much. She shared a room with Bella her whole life. Dennis and I loved to listen to them through the baby monitor, just talking and giggling. They took baths together. They did everything together. And it was gone, just like that.
When we got Biscuit, our dog, we made a strict rule that he was not allowed on the couches or on the beds. But when Ava could not sleep at night, because she was so scared, even with the door open and the hall light on, we broke that rule and let Biscuit sleep with her. It has helped allot. My heart aches for her. I see a change in Cullen as well. He is more affectionate with Ava and always tells her he loves her. I think he has come to realize how quickly life can change. Very tough lessons for such little people.

I know the next few months will continue to be very hard. The holidays are coming and we'll be experiencing all of these things for the first time without her. We went from a family of 7 to 4 in less then 6 months. My two oldest kids, well...lets just say, they are experiencing their own lives, the way they want to, and we don't quite agree and have let them go to figure it all out.

I wish I could say our lives have been progressing forward, but it really hasn't. We are still stuck in a place with no closure. I hope that day will come quickly, where we can move forward with life and feel great about all the possibilities. Its hard to always try and "look on the bright side"   I lost my child. I held her in my arms with no life. I have experienced such tragedy. As Thanksgiving approaches, we always get together for a huge feast. And a tradition we do, is go around the table, and say what we are thankful for. All 20 plus people. Someone said to me, what will you have to say you're thankful for, after experiencing the most tragic and painful loss this year. There is always something to be thankful for. I'm thankful for my husband, for my kids, for my sanity. I'm thankful Bella is with God and isn't in pain. I'm thankful I can go on with my life knowing she is happy, and running and playing. And I'm thankful, I know I will see her again one day.
I will see her again...and I will hold her close and never let her go.

On Friday January 20th, I scheduled an appointment for Dennis and I to get tattoos. We wanted to get the symbol for handicap awareness, which is the handicap sign, but shaped as a heart. We wanted to have a symbol just for Bella, to show everyone, we were proud to be parents of a special needs child. She died January 26th. We still went to get those tattoos. We never realized, it would end up meaning so much more.
I miss her like crazy....

Happy Birthday to my Angel

Birthdays are something I really make special for my kids. I try anyway, while they are still young. Eventually they become teenagers and want to have no part of it.
Being a cake decorator, my kids have lucked out with getting awesome cakes for the last couple years. Last year I made Bella a 4 foot tall Pinkalicious cake! I hand made most of her decorations. I really wanted it to be special for her.

She got her electric wheelchair last year on this very day. She was so excited. It was an amazing birthday for her. To see her so happy to be more independent, especially at her birthday party is a cherished moment. She waited such a long time for that day.
We were able to give that freedom and independence to a special little boy named Manny, by paying it forward and giving him her wheelchair. I know she is happy to know she could help another special child with that gift.

Today we celebrated her life. We had all the family over and we did what we do best...eat.
We wrote messages on balloons for her and released them for her to catch. We will continue to do this every year. I want Ava to always know that even though she is not physically here, she is always apart of us and always with us.

One thing Dennis and I have done since her first birthday was save her birthday banner and hang it up in her room. And it would be up all year long. It became a tradition and something we did special for her. I'll miss doing that this year, but maybe we'll start doing it with Ava and she can carry the tradition on for her.

Today has been difficult, but the one thing I just keep telling myself is....I'm glad I was able to be her mother. Regardless of how long. I'm glad she was mine....she is mine. She has given me so much in her little life. She gave me strength and she showed me to see the world in a different light. She showed me courage and perseverance. That bad things can happen in life, but great things can happen too. Great, beautiful things. She was a beautiful thing and I am so very glad she was given to me. I would not trade one day.

I am posting a video that I made. Unfortunately, it can't be viewed on mobile devices, so put your ipads down and go to your computer.

Happy Birthday Isabella Rose. I know you are celebrating it today in the arms of God. I bet it is amazing....

He spoke to me

When someone you love passes away, it forces you to look at what your life is. Who you are as a person. What legacy you would leave behind when it is your turn. You realize that... life is so very short.
I have been struggling with my faith and I felt it was time to grab hold of that and face it head on. So, I just knew, I had to go where it all began. To my dear friend Debbie!
You see, Debbie and I are spiritual sisters. We found each other when we were both lost and we found the love of God together. We were baptised together on Easter Sunday many years ago. She is an inspiration to me. I knew if anyone could help me open my eyes, it was her.
I took the hour drive to her house and went to church with her. I didn't have any expectations. I just wanted to go with an open heart and an open mind.
It was not easy. There was so much anger and confusion. So much built up inside of me. I was afraid. Afraid to be exposed.....to be vulnerable. I prayed....for the first time in a very long time. I prayed one thing....to be filled.
I was getting frustrated and upset because I felt nothing. I prayed and prayed. There were people all around me, singing and dancing and praising God. I just wanted to feel Him. I wanted to believe again. And I felt nothing.
Somehow, when you go to church, it feels as if the sermon was intended just for you. Like the pastor is talking directly to you. In the beginning, everyone sings, gives praise and worship, and then the sermon to conclude. And when the sermon came, I still felt nothing. But as he started to preach, I realized....I'm supposed to be here. The sermon that day was about....Not Giving Up
Not giving up on life, not giving up on yourself and not giving up on God.
The last few minutes of service as the pastor is wrapping it up, it all flushed out. I dropped to my chair and cried. People are singing, praising, and it is all muffled noises. At that moment I cried for Bella and for the first time EVER in my life...God spoke to me. He said to me ....."Don't worry....I'm taking care of her"
That's it. The roof didn't come off and the sun didn't beam on me and a deep mans voice didn't speak to me in a cloud of smoke....it actually sounded like my own voice and it was merely a whisper, but I heard it and felt it flow through my body.

I felt this enormous weight lifted. Like I could physically feel it being lifted. I didn't go in there with questions and wanting God to explain to me why....I just went and allowed myself to hear what he wanted me to know....and it is exactly what I needed.

I know alot of people who do not share the same religion as I do, So maybe some may not fully understand or can relate and I respect every and all religions. Regardless of our beliefs, we all want to have faith...I am simply giving an honest account of my experience.

It's hard for me to explain what it did for me. My heart still aches for Bella, but I can finally think about her in a beautiful light. I can see her smile and  her joy. When I think of her, I think about good memories. I don't consume myself with thoughts of her last moments and what could have been. I do have my moments of course.

I heard something that has stuck with me. It is better to have had and loved, than not at all.
I want to cherish the time I did have with her. And as we come up to her 8th birthday, I want to celebrate the life she had. Yes, I am still sad, I still cry for her, but I have peace because I know....I know she is in heaven and she is happy. She is not bound by her physical body any longer. She can run and play and dance. And I know, there is a bigger purpose for her. She left her stamp on so many peoples hearts. The legacy she left will continue to touch and move people. I am sure of that.

In closing....I am not perfect. Far from it. I don't wake up everyday and feel this positive. Having faith is a daily fight. You have to fight to keep believing. It's easy to start thinking dark thoughts and questioning everything. All the problems of my life didn't go away, and believe me, I have a bunch. But I have made a choice....I am willing to fight, because life is way too short to live in fear and sadness. I am still a work in progress.

There's a verse in a song I love.
I'm alive....even though apart of me has died. He took my heart and brought it back to life.....When the hurt and the healer collide....

5 months....

As of yesterday, 5 months have passed.

I've learned some things about myself in the last 5 months. I've learned that I'm not very good at dealing with my emotions. I have always, my entire life, not allowed people to see me vulnerable. I always felt I was a strong woman and I would not allow myself to let anyone see any different. I am a fighter. I have fought through this life of mine and I will continue to fight. It gets exhausting, however. I find myself holding back my tears as I think of Bella. To physically hold back tears is not very easy, but a talent I have acquired over the years. I fear if I cried every time I felt the feeling too, I would always be crying. And crying is equally as exhausting.

I've learned that, life just keeps going. I engulf myself in my own troubles and when I happen to look up, I see everyones lives moving forward. In todays technology, we have the ability to see everyones lives as they live it. I see wonderful moments in my friends and families lives. I see pictures of the MDA summer camp that Bella was so excited to attend for the first time this year and see how much fun those special kids are having. I need to find a way to be happy for everyone and what happens in their lives, instead of finding a reason to feel sorry for myself and turn it around into my own sadness. I've realized that although everyone moves on with their own lives, doesnt mean Bella is forgotten.

I know I am not the only one who has felt grief. I speak with people with stories of their own and the pain they feel is just as real and as raw as mine, no matter how much time has passed. There's no magical words you can say to someone who has dealt with a death of a loved one. Whether it was to be expected or something that happened suddenly. Pain is pain, but the simplest smile, the comments letting us know your thinking of us, speak volumes. Everyone who comments on my posts or pictures do not go unnoticed, I promise.

I've come to realize, that I am not immune to depression. I recently stopped working my part time job for various reasons, so I have been at home, having lots of time to think. Alot of throwing pity parties, which I am the sole attender. I would find myself staring out into space for hours. Not thinking of anything really. Like sitting in a dark room with my eyes wide open. Depression is so easy to slip into. Instead of thinking about how lovely she was and what a joy she was, and remembering her laugh....I think about her in a hospital bed hooked to the machines that would breath for her. I think about my screams in the hospital. Heart wrenching screams. About the moment I had to tell my children. Horrible moments. No to mention the normal pressures of life. Thinking, as if Bella's death wasnt enough, we have to deal with other issues. Why can't we just catch a break! It brings you to a very dark place.

But...I have always said, that I am so glad that I have been blessed with a sane mind...at least I hope it is. I am able to think rational thoughts. I am a realist and I know that I have to pick myself up in order to move on with life. Nothing I can do will bring my baby back to us, but I try my best be positive and remember that I am always going to miss her and think about her, but life must go on. Doesn't mean I don't have those moments once and a while, but I'm able to take the short ride though it, and come out on the other side with hope.

I've decided to start teaching cake decorating. It's something I have always wanted to do....so I am going to dive into that and I think it will really help me to be focused on something positive and to interact with people will be nice. Hopefully it will be succesful.

So in closing....Everyday is a new day. Sometimes they're good and sometimes they aren't. My kids are awesome, and they remind me that I have many things to look forward to.
How was today? Well, I sit here past midnight with zit cream on my face, eating a pint of melting Cherry Garcia, not sure where that puts me...depends how you look at it I guess...could be a bad...could be very good. But tomorrow is a new day and I'm going to try my best to start it out good....I'll start by making my bed.

4 months...

It's been 4 months. 4 months since I've seen her face, or held her close.

Nothing on earth could ever prepare you for the loss of your child. There isn't anything any one can do or say that makes the pain any less. Unless you have been through it, nobody knows what I have to deal with. To have to live each day with flashbacks of that day. To see your child with no life. To be told....I'm sorry...she's gone. To know... that I couldn't save her.
Every single day...I have to force the tears back. I have to try and be "normal". It's only when I'm alone, do I let out my pain...my anger.
I feel robbed. I fear I am not the mother I should be to my children. A part of me is missing and I am not whole. I hope Cullen and Ava don't feel my emptiness and still feel how much I love them as well.
It's been 4 months and we still can't go through her stuff. We still can't go through pictures. I still have her clothes hanging up in the closet. When I get Ava dressed, I try so hard not to look at them. I know I can't avoid everything forever, but for now...it is too soon.
I know we'll be okay. One day we will have closure and will be able to see a future for our lives. It is still fresh and painful, but I know, everything will be okay.
I know my posts can be somewhat depressing, but I write what I wouldn't normally say out loud, so to be in my head is quite a privilege...lol
Not everything about me is sad. I do love my life. I have the most amazing husband. He loves me and shows me everyday. Together, we are a strong force that gets us through this difficult time. I have been working a part time job in a doctors office and get to work with a very good friend. It has been very good for me. It forces me to get up and dressed and doll myself up to be apart of the world. It has helped me to stay healthy...mentally.
I had put making cakes on hold, but have come to realize, that I can't let go of it. It is a part of me and I can't take my gift for granted. But I will be taking it slow so I am not overwhelming myself.
I still have 2 great kids at home. Cullen is going on 14 and I won't lie, teenagers are a challenge. Especially someone like Cullen. Ava will be starting kindergarten this year, so I look forward to my last baby going off to school.
Big changes coming....just wish I had a crystal ball to get a better glimpse of what they might be. But at the end of the day, I have a husband who loves me, children who depend on me, and friends and family who enjoy me...at least I hope so...lol
We are not promised anything in life. So tell those close to you, how much you love them. You never know if it may be the last time.

May days

The month of May is always full of celebrations for me. This year I celebrated my 35th birthday and my 6th wedding anniversary...and it also was the first Mothers day without Bella.

Bella is on my mind every single minute of the day. I just watched the video I posted of her, and I was overwhelmed with emotion. To hear her voice and see her brings on the most indescribable pain. Like some one is literally tearing my heart out of my chest. My precious baby is gone. How does one move on from that.

I have been lucky enough to have such wonderful in laws and extended in laws. They sent us to Denver and watched my kids and dog so we could go there to be with Dennis' sister Erica, to watch her graduate law school. 

It was such an amazing time. Very much needed time away. And it was so beautiful and peaceful out there. Sunday morning was difficult....I am not whole as a mother. I held my emotions pretty well, but inside, the pain was immense. I was distracted enough the rest of the day with all the beautiful sights and food. The mountains, the wild life...and most of all the company. I spent my mothers day and my anniversary hiking in the Rocky mountain national park with a view of snow capped mountains in the distance. We even went higher up and I was able to see snow! It was one of the best times of my life. I think I gained about 10 pounds from all the amazing food we ate, but I don't care! Love, Love Loved it!

3 months...

3 months ago today, my sweet angel got her wings. It has been so difficult to move forward, but unfortunately life is unforgiving and we have to keep going.
You think it gets easier with time, but it has only become harder. The longer the days go on, the farther away she feels. My life feels like it's in limbo...standing in stagnant water. I don't know if I'm coming or going. Everybody tells me that I am so strong....but I don't know if that is true. Its more like...avoidance. I wear a mask everyday and play a part. Inside, I'm left with a hole in my heart.
I'm confused on what my purpose is. I prepared a life revolving around her. Mentally and emotionally prepared to care for her for the rest of my life....that was my purpose. Now, don't get me wrong...I am not neglecting the fact that I have other children and a husband. My family is my life, but our lives did truly revolve around her. And we were okay with that. I thought...I would run my business making cakes and be able to be here and available for her and her doctors appointments etc. But now...my business doesn't even have meaning. I have put making cakes on hold, maybe even permanently. The joy I once felt just isn't there anymore.
I'm thankful to have my family to comfort me. It's strange, but Dennis and I never seem to be upset at the same time. There's always one of us to comfort the other. I know the strength in our marriage keeps us all put together. We'll get through this...together. I know over time, I'll find a new meaning to my life. A new way of thinking.

Bella was so full of life. She was so smart. Even though she was in a wheelchair, her future was bright. She loved to take videos of herself and her sister. She loved going to Fort Alderman park to walk the trail. When we walked over a bridge, she pretended it was a roller coaster. I hold those memories close to my heart.  As sad as this day is...I want everyone to remember her as she was...a happy, fun and loving little girl.

Thank you...

It has been amazing to me the amount of love and support everyone has shown to me and my family. There were 250 people who attended Bella's service. It was the most beautiful sight, to see all those pink balloons floating up for her to catch. So many people love her. So many people love us....and I want to thank each one of you.
With all our love, and Her kisses from heaven....

I want to believe...

I grew up as a Catholic. As I became an adult, I chose my own religious path and was re-baptized on Easter Sunday 9 years ago into a non denominational christian church. I have always been a believer. I have always felt a very strong connection with God.
I felt very deeply, that God chose me to care for Bella. He knew I was strong enough and He even helped me to discover my talent in cake decorating to help supplement income so I could stay home with her. I truly felt like He had set my path in front of me and I trusted in Him and I followed. What happened? Why did He take her from me?
I follow no one direction in Christianity, but have always believed there was a heaven and one day we would all be reunited there. But I find myself questioning everything. Everything I ever believed in. Is there really a Heaven? How do I explain to my 5 year old daughter about where Bella is and how we'll see her again one day...when I don't know if I believe it myself.
A good friend said to me..."God wants you to ask Him all your questions... and He will answer them" To this day...I can't bring myself to even pray. To talk to God. I know it is normal to feel anger and confusion, but I struggle with my faith so much so, that I struggle even to feel Bella close to me. I'm scared to let go and open my heart and my mind to the idea. I want so desperately to believe....I just don't understand what He wants from me. I try to see the bigger picture and tell myself that she did not die in vain. That there is something bigger. Was it the lives she saved by giving her organs to help them live? Was it to better the system so other children would not suffer from it?
Ava asks daily....why can't Bella take a plane and come back from Heaven? The most honest answer I have for her is...I don't know. I should be able to give her answers to settle her heart. To give her hope for the life we are told we will have one day in Heaven.
Am I afraid of facing the pain? Am I afraid the reality of her being gone will hit me so hard in the face, I won't even be able to function? I don't know what's stopping me from regaining that faith in God. I know over time, I will find what I am lacking, but for in the now, I just want to be able to feel her close to me. To feel, that she is hugging me when I need her. That she is happy........that she truly is living on.

Missing her so much

My life has been forever changed. Just like that...in the blink of an eye, my life will never be the same. Not many people know exactly what happened to Bella....and I'm not sure it's the right time to explain, but I do want people to know, she was not just another handicap child who had fall victim  to her disease.
It was an accident that I wish had been handled differently. If it had...she would still be here with us.
I needed something to collect my thoughts, to share my deepest emotions, to help me grieve....so here I am. I invite you to come on my journey if you like.

Isabella Rose Herrera  07/30/04-01/26/12
She was the most beautiful baby. Head full of black hair. She was so tiny and I fell even more in love with her father that day when I watched him crying....falling in love with his new daughter. We called her Bella because she was just that... beautiful.

Such joy she brought us. Even as things got harder with her disability, she made everyday worth waking up to. She was my priority. My life was about my family and making her life as comfortable and magical as I could possibly make it. It isn't easy taking care of a disabled child, but to me, it was a privilege to care for her....and I would have done it till my last breath.

I miss her so much. Her smile, her giggles. I miss doing her hair. I loved her curly hair. I miss everything about her. I can remember her smell....it is so true, that a mother will remember her child's scent. I can still feel her fingers and her toes. I can close my eyes and I can still feel my hand caressing her face.

I remember that day so vividly...every detail. I bought her a new dress and she was so excited to wear it. It was Hello Kitty, her favorite, along with the color pink. I did her hair with a matching headband. Ava and I saw her off to school on the bus...and waving to her as I did every morning....with my index finger, and I blew her kisses with that one finger, wiggling it like a little worm....and she did it back to me. She was happy that day and I am so glad that I told her I loved her.
I just wish it wasn't the last time.