Sad morning

It's only 8:30 in the morning and my day hasn't started off on a good note.

This morning was just like every other morning. I took Ava to school and walked her to class. But then, I saw one of Bella's favorite friends. She looked more grown up and was walking with a friend. Chatting as most 3rd graders would on the way to class. When she looked at me, I could see  she didn't know what to do. She smiled politely and went on her way.

I instantly was filled with emotions and my mind was going in so many directions. Imagining it was Bella she was walking to class with. Thinking about what a wonderful little girl Bella was. Everyone loved her. Kids would argue on who would help her or sit next to her. She was so special. Her heart was pure and full of joy. She touched everyone she met. They could see her determination and her fight. 

She was a girly girl. She liked to pick out her clothes. She wanted me to braid her hair. She loved playing barbies. Finding shoes for her was difficult, as her feet started to turn, but Dennis and I did everything we could to find her things that made her feel "normal"  Glittery and sparkly things, pretty and fashionable things. We tried to give her everything she wanted. 

Bella was an extremely intelligent girl. She could read at a 4th grade level in 2nd grade. What she lacked in strength, she made up for in brain power. She was so bright. 

All these thoughts, going through my head. She should be here, experiencing life. As I get in my car to drive home, I can't help but to think about this very day 8 months ago. I look down and realize, I am wearing the very same outfit. I couldn't stop the tears.

For those who know me best, know, that I am not an openly emotional person. So coming here to write is one way for me to be expressive with my emotions. I know if I hold everything in, I'm likely to break at one point, and I'm not sure it would be pretty. So, thank you for listening. I feel much better.

Tip for the day....crying and driving is not recommended.

8 months

I haven't made a post in a couple of months. The new school year started and I sent my last baby off to kindergarten. Cullen is in the 8th grade this year and has 3 high school classes. Super proud of him. So I've been busy with them, but am finally going to sit and write.

Tomorrow will be 8 months since our sweet Bella has left us. I suppose it has gotten easier. There are moments that put me over the edge and the pain is so intense as if it were the first day. But I think it is good to get it out. When school started, that was really hard. When I drop Ava off at school, I visualize the days when Bella was in kindergarten. I was looking forward to the girls going to school together.
I hurt so much for Ava. Bella was such a big part of her life. They were so very close. As close as any two sisters could be. She is still so very young, and I don't want her to ever forget how close they were. She has been affected so much. She shared a room with Bella her whole life. Dennis and I loved to listen to them through the baby monitor, just talking and giggling. They took baths together. They did everything together. And it was gone, just like that.
When we got Biscuit, our dog, we made a strict rule that he was not allowed on the couches or on the beds. But when Ava could not sleep at night, because she was so scared, even with the door open and the hall light on, we broke that rule and let Biscuit sleep with her. It has helped allot. My heart aches for her. I see a change in Cullen as well. He is more affectionate with Ava and always tells her he loves her. I think he has come to realize how quickly life can change. Very tough lessons for such little people.

I know the next few months will continue to be very hard. The holidays are coming and we'll be experiencing all of these things for the first time without her. We went from a family of 7 to 4 in less then 6 months. My two oldest kids, well...lets just say, they are experiencing their own lives, the way they want to, and we don't quite agree and have let them go to figure it all out.

I wish I could say our lives have been progressing forward, but it really hasn't. We are still stuck in a place with no closure. I hope that day will come quickly, where we can move forward with life and feel great about all the possibilities. Its hard to always try and "look on the bright side"   I lost my child. I held her in my arms with no life. I have experienced such tragedy. As Thanksgiving approaches, we always get together for a huge feast. And a tradition we do, is go around the table, and say what we are thankful for. All 20 plus people. Someone said to me, what will you have to say you're thankful for, after experiencing the most tragic and painful loss this year. There is always something to be thankful for. I'm thankful for my husband, for my kids, for my sanity. I'm thankful Bella is with God and isn't in pain. I'm thankful I can go on with my life knowing she is happy, and running and playing. And I'm thankful, I know I will see her again one day.
I will see her again...and I will hold her close and never let her go.

On Friday January 20th, I scheduled an appointment for Dennis and I to get tattoos. We wanted to get the symbol for handicap awareness, which is the handicap sign, but shaped as a heart. We wanted to have a symbol just for Bella, to show everyone, we were proud to be parents of a special needs child. She died January 26th. We still went to get those tattoos. We never realized, it would end up meaning so much more.
I miss her like crazy....