4 months...

It's been 4 months. 4 months since I've seen her face, or held her close.

Nothing on earth could ever prepare you for the loss of your child. There isn't anything any one can do or say that makes the pain any less. Unless you have been through it, nobody knows what I have to deal with. To have to live each day with flashbacks of that day. To see your child with no life. To be told....I'm sorry...she's gone. To know... that I couldn't save her.
Every single day...I have to force the tears back. I have to try and be "normal". It's only when I'm alone, do I let out my pain...my anger.
I feel robbed. I fear I am not the mother I should be to my children. A part of me is missing and I am not whole. I hope Cullen and Ava don't feel my emptiness and still feel how much I love them as well.
It's been 4 months and we still can't go through her stuff. We still can't go through pictures. I still have her clothes hanging up in the closet. When I get Ava dressed, I try so hard not to look at them. I know I can't avoid everything forever, but for now...it is too soon.
I know we'll be okay. One day we will have closure and will be able to see a future for our lives. It is still fresh and painful, but I know, everything will be okay.
I know my posts can be somewhat depressing, but I write what I wouldn't normally say out loud, so to be in my head is quite a privilege...lol
Not everything about me is sad. I do love my life. I have the most amazing husband. He loves me and shows me everyday. Together, we are a strong force that gets us through this difficult time. I have been working a part time job in a doctors office and get to work with a very good friend. It has been very good for me. It forces me to get up and dressed and doll myself up to be apart of the world. It has helped me to stay healthy...mentally.
I had put making cakes on hold, but have come to realize, that I can't let go of it. It is a part of me and I can't take my gift for granted. But I will be taking it slow so I am not overwhelming myself.
I still have 2 great kids at home. Cullen is going on 14 and I won't lie, teenagers are a challenge. Especially someone like Cullen. Ava will be starting kindergarten this year, so I look forward to my last baby going off to school.
Big changes coming....just wish I had a crystal ball to get a better glimpse of what they might be. But at the end of the day, I have a husband who loves me, children who depend on me, and friends and family who enjoy me...at least I hope so...lol
We are not promised anything in life. So tell those close to you, how much you love them. You never know if it may be the last time.

May days

The month of May is always full of celebrations for me. This year I celebrated my 35th birthday and my 6th wedding anniversary...and it also was the first Mothers day without Bella.

Bella is on my mind every single minute of the day. I just watched the video I posted of her, and I was overwhelmed with emotion. To hear her voice and see her brings on the most indescribable pain. Like some one is literally tearing my heart out of my chest. My precious baby is gone. How does one move on from that.

I have been lucky enough to have such wonderful in laws and extended in laws. They sent us to Denver and watched my kids and dog so we could go there to be with Dennis' sister Erica, to watch her graduate law school. 

It was such an amazing time. Very much needed time away. And it was so beautiful and peaceful out there. Sunday morning was difficult....I am not whole as a mother. I held my emotions pretty well, but inside, the pain was immense. I was distracted enough the rest of the day with all the beautiful sights and food. The mountains, the wild life...and most of all the company. I spent my mothers day and my anniversary hiking in the Rocky mountain national park with a view of snow capped mountains in the distance. We even went higher up and I was able to see snow! It was one of the best times of my life. I think I gained about 10 pounds from all the amazing food we ate, but I don't care! Love, Love Loved it!