3 months...

3 months ago today, my sweet angel got her wings. It has been so difficult to move forward, but unfortunately life is unforgiving and we have to keep going.
You think it gets easier with time, but it has only become harder. The longer the days go on, the farther away she feels. My life feels like it's in limbo...standing in stagnant water. I don't know if I'm coming or going. Everybody tells me that I am so strong....but I don't know if that is true. Its more like...avoidance. I wear a mask everyday and play a part. Inside, I'm left with a hole in my heart.
I'm confused on what my purpose is. I prepared a life revolving around her. Mentally and emotionally prepared to care for her for the rest of my life....that was my purpose. Now, don't get me wrong...I am not neglecting the fact that I have other children and a husband. My family is my life, but our lives did truly revolve around her. And we were okay with that. I thought...I would run my business making cakes and be able to be here and available for her and her doctors appointments etc. But now...my business doesn't even have meaning. I have put making cakes on hold, maybe even permanently. The joy I once felt just isn't there anymore.
I'm thankful to have my family to comfort me. It's strange, but Dennis and I never seem to be upset at the same time. There's always one of us to comfort the other. I know the strength in our marriage keeps us all put together. We'll get through this...together. I know over time, I'll find a new meaning to my life. A new way of thinking.

Bella was so full of life. She was so smart. Even though she was in a wheelchair, her future was bright. She loved to take videos of herself and her sister. She loved going to Fort Alderman park to walk the trail. When we walked over a bridge, she pretended it was a roller coaster. I hold those memories close to my heart.  As sad as this day is...I want everyone to remember her as she was...a happy, fun and loving little girl.

Thank you...

It has been amazing to me the amount of love and support everyone has shown to me and my family. There were 250 people who attended Bella's service. It was the most beautiful sight, to see all those pink balloons floating up for her to catch. So many people love her. So many people love us....and I want to thank each one of you.
With all our love, and Her kisses from heaven....

I want to believe...

I grew up as a Catholic. As I became an adult, I chose my own religious path and was re-baptized on Easter Sunday 9 years ago into a non denominational christian church. I have always been a believer. I have always felt a very strong connection with God.
I felt very deeply, that God chose me to care for Bella. He knew I was strong enough and He even helped me to discover my talent in cake decorating to help supplement income so I could stay home with her. I truly felt like He had set my path in front of me and I trusted in Him and I followed. What happened? Why did He take her from me?
I follow no one direction in Christianity, but have always believed there was a heaven and one day we would all be reunited there. But I find myself questioning everything. Everything I ever believed in. Is there really a Heaven? How do I explain to my 5 year old daughter about where Bella is and how we'll see her again one day...when I don't know if I believe it myself.
A good friend said to me..."God wants you to ask Him all your questions... and He will answer them" To this day...I can't bring myself to even pray. To talk to God. I know it is normal to feel anger and confusion, but I struggle with my faith so much so, that I struggle even to feel Bella close to me. I'm scared to let go and open my heart and my mind to the idea. I want so desperately to believe....I just don't understand what He wants from me. I try to see the bigger picture and tell myself that she did not die in vain. That there is something bigger. Was it the lives she saved by giving her organs to help them live? Was it to better the system so other children would not suffer from it?
Ava asks daily....why can't Bella take a plane and come back from Heaven? The most honest answer I have for her is...I don't know. I should be able to give her answers to settle her heart. To give her hope for the life we are told we will have one day in Heaven.
Am I afraid of facing the pain? Am I afraid the reality of her being gone will hit me so hard in the face, I won't even be able to function? I don't know what's stopping me from regaining that faith in God. I know over time, I will find what I am lacking, but for in the now, I just want to be able to feel her close to me. To feel, that she is hugging me when I need her. That she is happy........that she truly is living on.

Missing her so much

My life has been forever changed. Just like that...in the blink of an eye, my life will never be the same. Not many people know exactly what happened to Bella....and I'm not sure it's the right time to explain, but I do want people to know, she was not just another handicap child who had fall victim  to her disease.
It was an accident that I wish had been handled differently. If it had...she would still be here with us.
I needed something to collect my thoughts, to share my deepest emotions, to help me grieve....so here I am. I invite you to come on my journey if you like.

Isabella Rose Herrera  07/30/04-01/26/12
She was the most beautiful baby. Head full of black hair. She was so tiny and I fell even more in love with her father that day when I watched him crying....falling in love with his new daughter. We called her Bella because she was just that... beautiful.

Such joy she brought us. Even as things got harder with her disability, she made everyday worth waking up to. She was my priority. My life was about my family and making her life as comfortable and magical as I could possibly make it. It isn't easy taking care of a disabled child, but to me, it was a privilege to care for her....and I would have done it till my last breath.

I miss her so much. Her smile, her giggles. I miss doing her hair. I loved her curly hair. I miss everything about her. I can remember her smell....it is so true, that a mother will remember her child's scent. I can still feel her fingers and her toes. I can close my eyes and I can still feel my hand caressing her face.

I remember that day so vividly...every detail. I bought her a new dress and she was so excited to wear it. It was Hello Kitty, her favorite, along with the color pink. I did her hair with a matching headband. Ava and I saw her off to school on the bus...and waving to her as I did every morning....with my index finger, and I blew her kisses with that one finger, wiggling it like a little worm....and she did it back to me. She was happy that day and I am so glad that I told her I loved her.
I just wish it wasn't the last time.