On the 30th, Bella would be 9 years old.
As the days get closer, I sit and think about what kind of stuff she would be into. What kind of party would I be planning for her. What kind of cake she would want....and it becomes all too real for me....she'll never celebrate another birthday. She'll never blow out candles and make her wish.
As our children get their school pictures, and we display them with pride....her picture will always be the same. She will always be 7.
I think about the day I'll see her face again. Will she still be 7, or will she be grown? One can only wonder.
I miss her so much. When I start to think about her, I find myself forcing myself to try and think about something else. There's nothing worse then that gut wrenching pain that changes the whole outcome of your day. I'm sure everyone has felt that...the feeling of losing something so dear to you...that throbbing pain in your heart that migrates down to the pit of your stomach and is a knot of unforgettable pain.
Even though she is not with us, we will still be celebrating the day she came into this world. We will celebrate the life she had.
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Saturday, April 27, 2013
I'm back!
It's hard to believe it has been 8 months since I've written. Since we came out with our story, I have been afraid to write. Not really sure if that fear was warranted, but with the media attention and a pending lawsuit, I felt I needed to be extra careful.
Then, I came to the realization that, I am not one who allows fear to dictate my life. I am an honest, out spoken and very strong woman. I can and will speak freely. I don't know how far my blogs branch out, but it has always been my goal to be open and honest about my grief in the hopes that I can help others. I even would love to start a foundation in Bella's honor and truly be a voice for those who don't feel they have one.
There has been a roller coaster of events in my life within the last 8 months. One being the death of another child in our lives. My friend Katharine lost her 13 year old daughter, Andrea, in November 2012, who was struck by a car on her way to school. She was Cullen's best friend. To see my son attend 2 funerals all within the same year was heart breaking. Andrea was his first "girlfriend" I swore they would be married some day. They argued like a married couple. They were eerily similar. Which created a special bond.
Andrea had a smile that could light up any room. When I was making cakes, she always wanted to watch and help, and I always told her my rule was, you can watch but can't ask a million questions. She was quite the chatter box. I wish I would have entertained her curiosity more.
I haven't spoken to Katharine in a few months. I'm sure she'll be reading this. I thought I could help her in her grieving process. I thought I was the "best" person to help her because I knew how she felt. I came to figure out, that, just as no one could help me in my grief, I could not help her either. We as individuals are the only answer to how we can deal with situations in our lives. In the process of me "trying" to help her, I became too involved in her life. For those who know me, I can be too forward, which can come off as brash or insensitive. Certainly not my intention, but when you are a control freak, such as myself, it becomes frustrating when others don't see things your way. I am thankful however, that I have the ability to step back and reflect and be able to correct those flaws, even if it's only momentarily.
It also became hard for me to comfort a friend in her time of mourning, when I myself was still mourning the loss of my daughter. When the accident with Andrea happened, I was there with Katharine. I was at the hospital with her. From the time they gave her hope that she will be okay, to the time they had to tell her she was gone. It was so painful. Not only to see your good friend going through what seemed to be the identical scenario as yourself, but for myself and my husband, who had to relive this nightmare all over again. To hear her screams....I knew those screams. Every scream of disbelief, pulled you further and further from the reality. Having to walk away from the hospital, knowing your life has forever been changed.
It was hard asking her....how are you doing....that's a humans normal response, but I already knew how she was doing. What she didn't realize, was I knew, not only because of my own experience, but because I was feeling the same way in those exact moments. I became a shell of a person. Not able to handle my own depression. Trying to wear my "famous" mask everyday. Trying to show strength especially in front of her, when in reality....I was not okay. So, I decided, I needed to giver her space to figure herself out, and I too, would do the same. There are times in life, when you have to recognize when to remove yourself from a situation....because you are not helping, but making it worse.
I have been doing a lot better. Working on myself mentally, emotionally and physically. So, I think, I'm ready to revisit our friendship.
We never stop growing as people. I know for myself, I have learned a lot over the last year. What you may expect your life to be, may not always be what is planned out for you. I consider myself a strong person, but have accepted that a strong person can show their weaknesses. That the world will not view me any differently because I woke up with my heart aching and I needed to cry all day. And boy, do I have those days. ALOT. As the last year has gone by, my grief has only become stronger. The pain of losing someone does not go away....EVER. We just learn to live our lives without them. I walk among you all with a smile on my face, but inside...inside, I am broken. I think about Bella all the time. It never stops. I can't and won't ever stop. Everything around me makes me think of her. Especially my daughter Ava. She was just about to turn 5 when Bella died, and here we are a year later, and she is still so very affected by it. She talks about her a lot. She goes around the house and kisses her pictures. She tells me, she wishes more than anything Bella could be here. She is young, and as painful as it is to hear her in such pain, I am so thankful, she still feels so close to her. I am so thankful she has beautiful memories of her.
My mother in law has recently been going through a rough patch, health wise. She had surgery and stayed at our house afterwards. I don't work, so it just was the logical choice. I had to learn to care for her wound. She has been with us for about 6 weeks. And it has been an eye opener for me. We all know our family, but I came to know her differently. We have bonded in a way that I will cherish forever. I am just the daughter in law....so I always thought. She has shown me love beyond that. I have gotten to know her soul... and it is beautiful. And I am so grateful to have had this time with her. She is not only my mother in law....she is my dearest friend.
Not to take anything away from her daughters.....I am thankful for them too. They are my sisters and I am glad they have embraced me and allowed me to help care for their mother as if she were my very own. I was just glad I could help.
I could go on and on, but I'll save it for another day. I have been gone for some time, but I am back and I will continue to write, so long as I have someone who will read....I will write.
Love to all....
Then, I came to the realization that, I am not one who allows fear to dictate my life. I am an honest, out spoken and very strong woman. I can and will speak freely. I don't know how far my blogs branch out, but it has always been my goal to be open and honest about my grief in the hopes that I can help others. I even would love to start a foundation in Bella's honor and truly be a voice for those who don't feel they have one.
There has been a roller coaster of events in my life within the last 8 months. One being the death of another child in our lives. My friend Katharine lost her 13 year old daughter, Andrea, in November 2012, who was struck by a car on her way to school. She was Cullen's best friend. To see my son attend 2 funerals all within the same year was heart breaking. Andrea was his first "girlfriend" I swore they would be married some day. They argued like a married couple. They were eerily similar. Which created a special bond.
Andrea had a smile that could light up any room. When I was making cakes, she always wanted to watch and help, and I always told her my rule was, you can watch but can't ask a million questions. She was quite the chatter box. I wish I would have entertained her curiosity more.
I haven't spoken to Katharine in a few months. I'm sure she'll be reading this. I thought I could help her in her grieving process. I thought I was the "best" person to help her because I knew how she felt. I came to figure out, that, just as no one could help me in my grief, I could not help her either. We as individuals are the only answer to how we can deal with situations in our lives. In the process of me "trying" to help her, I became too involved in her life. For those who know me, I can be too forward, which can come off as brash or insensitive. Certainly not my intention, but when you are a control freak, such as myself, it becomes frustrating when others don't see things your way. I am thankful however, that I have the ability to step back and reflect and be able to correct those flaws, even if it's only momentarily.
It also became hard for me to comfort a friend in her time of mourning, when I myself was still mourning the loss of my daughter. When the accident with Andrea happened, I was there with Katharine. I was at the hospital with her. From the time they gave her hope that she will be okay, to the time they had to tell her she was gone. It was so painful. Not only to see your good friend going through what seemed to be the identical scenario as yourself, but for myself and my husband, who had to relive this nightmare all over again. To hear her screams....I knew those screams. Every scream of disbelief, pulled you further and further from the reality. Having to walk away from the hospital, knowing your life has forever been changed.
It was hard asking her....how are you doing....that's a humans normal response, but I already knew how she was doing. What she didn't realize, was I knew, not only because of my own experience, but because I was feeling the same way in those exact moments. I became a shell of a person. Not able to handle my own depression. Trying to wear my "famous" mask everyday. Trying to show strength especially in front of her, when in reality....I was not okay. So, I decided, I needed to giver her space to figure herself out, and I too, would do the same. There are times in life, when you have to recognize when to remove yourself from a situation....because you are not helping, but making it worse.
I have been doing a lot better. Working on myself mentally, emotionally and physically. So, I think, I'm ready to revisit our friendship.
We never stop growing as people. I know for myself, I have learned a lot over the last year. What you may expect your life to be, may not always be what is planned out for you. I consider myself a strong person, but have accepted that a strong person can show their weaknesses. That the world will not view me any differently because I woke up with my heart aching and I needed to cry all day. And boy, do I have those days. ALOT. As the last year has gone by, my grief has only become stronger. The pain of losing someone does not go away....EVER. We just learn to live our lives without them. I walk among you all with a smile on my face, but inside...inside, I am broken. I think about Bella all the time. It never stops. I can't and won't ever stop. Everything around me makes me think of her. Especially my daughter Ava. She was just about to turn 5 when Bella died, and here we are a year later, and she is still so very affected by it. She talks about her a lot. She goes around the house and kisses her pictures. She tells me, she wishes more than anything Bella could be here. She is young, and as painful as it is to hear her in such pain, I am so thankful, she still feels so close to her. I am so thankful she has beautiful memories of her.
My mother in law has recently been going through a rough patch, health wise. She had surgery and stayed at our house afterwards. I don't work, so it just was the logical choice. I had to learn to care for her wound. She has been with us for about 6 weeks. And it has been an eye opener for me. We all know our family, but I came to know her differently. We have bonded in a way that I will cherish forever. I am just the daughter in law....so I always thought. She has shown me love beyond that. I have gotten to know her soul... and it is beautiful. And I am so grateful to have had this time with her. She is not only my mother in law....she is my dearest friend.
Not to take anything away from her daughters.....I am thankful for them too. They are my sisters and I am glad they have embraced me and allowed me to help care for their mother as if she were my very own. I was just glad I could help.
I could go on and on, but I'll save it for another day. I have been gone for some time, but I am back and I will continue to write, so long as I have someone who will read....I will write.
Love to all....
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Sad morning
It's only 8:30 in the morning and my day hasn't started off on a good note.
This morning was just like every other morning. I took Ava to school and walked her to class. But then, I saw one of Bella's favorite friends. She looked more grown up and was walking with a friend. Chatting as most 3rd graders would on the way to class. When she looked at me, I could see she didn't know what to do. She smiled politely and went on her way.
I instantly was filled with emotions and my mind was going in so many directions. Imagining it was Bella she was walking to class with. Thinking about what a wonderful little girl Bella was. Everyone loved her. Kids would argue on who would help her or sit next to her. She was so special. Her heart was pure and full of joy. She touched everyone she met. They could see her determination and her fight.
She was a girly girl. She liked to pick out her clothes. She wanted me to braid her hair. She loved playing barbies. Finding shoes for her was difficult, as her feet started to turn, but Dennis and I did everything we could to find her things that made her feel "normal" Glittery and sparkly things, pretty and fashionable things. We tried to give her everything she wanted.
Bella was an extremely intelligent girl. She could read at a 4th grade level in 2nd grade. What she lacked in strength, she made up for in brain power. She was so bright.
All these thoughts, going through my head. She should be here, experiencing life. As I get in my car to drive home, I can't help but to think about this very day 8 months ago. I look down and realize, I am wearing the very same outfit. I couldn't stop the tears.
For those who know me best, know, that I am not an openly emotional person. So coming here to write is one way for me to be expressive with my emotions. I know if I hold everything in, I'm likely to break at one point, and I'm not sure it would be pretty. So, thank you for listening. I feel much better.
Tip for the day....crying and driving is not recommended.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
8 months
I haven't made a post in a couple of months. The new school year started and I sent my last baby off to kindergarten. Cullen is in the 8th grade this year and has 3 high school classes. Super proud of him. So I've been busy with them, but am finally going to sit and write.
Tomorrow will be 8 months since our sweet Bella has left us. I suppose it has gotten easier. There are moments that put me over the edge and the pain is so intense as if it were the first day. But I think it is good to get it out. When school started, that was really hard. When I drop Ava off at school, I visualize the days when Bella was in kindergarten. I was looking forward to the girls going to school together.
I hurt so much for Ava. Bella was such a big part of her life. They were so very close. As close as any two sisters could be. She is still so very young, and I don't want her to ever forget how close they were. She has been affected so much. She shared a room with Bella her whole life. Dennis and I loved to listen to them through the baby monitor, just talking and giggling. They took baths together. They did everything together. And it was gone, just like that.
When we got Biscuit, our dog, we made a strict rule that he was not allowed on the couches or on the beds. But when Ava could not sleep at night, because she was so scared, even with the door open and the hall light on, we broke that rule and let Biscuit sleep with her. It has helped allot. My heart aches for her. I see a change in Cullen as well. He is more affectionate with Ava and always tells her he loves her. I think he has come to realize how quickly life can change. Very tough lessons for such little people.
I know the next few months will continue to be very hard. The holidays are coming and we'll be experiencing all of these things for the first time without her. We went from a family of 7 to 4 in less then 6 months. My two oldest kids, well...lets just say, they are experiencing their own lives, the way they want to, and we don't quite agree and have let them go to figure it all out.
I wish I could say our lives have been progressing forward, but it really hasn't. We are still stuck in a place with no closure. I hope that day will come quickly, where we can move forward with life and feel great about all the possibilities. Its hard to always try and "look on the bright side" I lost my child. I held her in my arms with no life. I have experienced such tragedy. As Thanksgiving approaches, we always get together for a huge feast. And a tradition we do, is go around the table, and say what we are thankful for. All 20 plus people. Someone said to me, what will you have to say you're thankful for, after experiencing the most tragic and painful loss this year. There is always something to be thankful for. I'm thankful for my husband, for my kids, for my sanity. I'm thankful Bella is with God and isn't in pain. I'm thankful I can go on with my life knowing she is happy, and running and playing. And I'm thankful, I know I will see her again one day.
I will see her again...and I will hold her close and never let her go.
On Friday January 20th, I scheduled an appointment for Dennis and I to get tattoos. We wanted to get the symbol for handicap awareness, which is the handicap sign, but shaped as a heart. We wanted to have a symbol just for Bella, to show everyone, we were proud to be parents of a special needs child. She died January 26th. We still went to get those tattoos. We never realized, it would end up meaning so much more.
I miss her like crazy....
Tomorrow will be 8 months since our sweet Bella has left us. I suppose it has gotten easier. There are moments that put me over the edge and the pain is so intense as if it were the first day. But I think it is good to get it out. When school started, that was really hard. When I drop Ava off at school, I visualize the days when Bella was in kindergarten. I was looking forward to the girls going to school together.
I hurt so much for Ava. Bella was such a big part of her life. They were so very close. As close as any two sisters could be. She is still so very young, and I don't want her to ever forget how close they were. She has been affected so much. She shared a room with Bella her whole life. Dennis and I loved to listen to them through the baby monitor, just talking and giggling. They took baths together. They did everything together. And it was gone, just like that.
When we got Biscuit, our dog, we made a strict rule that he was not allowed on the couches or on the beds. But when Ava could not sleep at night, because she was so scared, even with the door open and the hall light on, we broke that rule and let Biscuit sleep with her. It has helped allot. My heart aches for her. I see a change in Cullen as well. He is more affectionate with Ava and always tells her he loves her. I think he has come to realize how quickly life can change. Very tough lessons for such little people.
I know the next few months will continue to be very hard. The holidays are coming and we'll be experiencing all of these things for the first time without her. We went from a family of 7 to 4 in less then 6 months. My two oldest kids, well...lets just say, they are experiencing their own lives, the way they want to, and we don't quite agree and have let them go to figure it all out.
I wish I could say our lives have been progressing forward, but it really hasn't. We are still stuck in a place with no closure. I hope that day will come quickly, where we can move forward with life and feel great about all the possibilities. Its hard to always try and "look on the bright side" I lost my child. I held her in my arms with no life. I have experienced such tragedy. As Thanksgiving approaches, we always get together for a huge feast. And a tradition we do, is go around the table, and say what we are thankful for. All 20 plus people. Someone said to me, what will you have to say you're thankful for, after experiencing the most tragic and painful loss this year. There is always something to be thankful for. I'm thankful for my husband, for my kids, for my sanity. I'm thankful Bella is with God and isn't in pain. I'm thankful I can go on with my life knowing she is happy, and running and playing. And I'm thankful, I know I will see her again one day.
I will see her again...and I will hold her close and never let her go.
On Friday January 20th, I scheduled an appointment for Dennis and I to get tattoos. We wanted to get the symbol for handicap awareness, which is the handicap sign, but shaped as a heart. We wanted to have a symbol just for Bella, to show everyone, we were proud to be parents of a special needs child. She died January 26th. We still went to get those tattoos. We never realized, it would end up meaning so much more.
I miss her like crazy....
Monday, July 30, 2012
Happy Birthday to my Angel
Birthdays are something I really make special for my kids. I try anyway, while they are still young. Eventually they become teenagers and want to have no part of it.
Being a cake decorator, my kids have lucked out with getting awesome cakes for the last couple years. Last year I made Bella a 4 foot tall Pinkalicious cake! I hand made most of her decorations. I really wanted it to be special for her.
She got her electric wheelchair last year on this very day. She was so excited. It was an amazing birthday for her. To see her so happy to be more independent, especially at her birthday party is a cherished moment. She waited such a long time for that day.
We were able to give that freedom and independence to a special little boy named Manny, by paying it forward and giving him her wheelchair. I know she is happy to know she could help another special child with that gift.
Today we celebrated her life. We had all the family over and we did what we do best...eat.
We wrote messages on balloons for her and released them for her to catch. We will continue to do this every year. I want Ava to always know that even though she is not physically here, she is always apart of us and always with us.
One thing Dennis and I have done since her first birthday was save her birthday banner and hang it up in her room. And it would be up all year long. It became a tradition and something we did special for her. I'll miss doing that this year, but maybe we'll start doing it with Ava and she can carry the tradition on for her.
Today has been difficult, but the one thing I just keep telling myself is....I'm glad I was able to be her mother. Regardless of how long. I'm glad she was mine....she is mine. She has given me so much in her little life. She gave me strength and she showed me to see the world in a different light. She showed me courage and perseverance. That bad things can happen in life, but great things can happen too. Great, beautiful things. She was a beautiful thing and I am so very glad she was given to me. I would not trade one day.
I am posting a video that I made. Unfortunately, it can't be viewed on mobile devices, so put your ipads down and go to your computer.
Happy Birthday Isabella Rose. I know you are celebrating it today in the arms of God. I bet it is amazing....
Being a cake decorator, my kids have lucked out with getting awesome cakes for the last couple years. Last year I made Bella a 4 foot tall Pinkalicious cake! I hand made most of her decorations. I really wanted it to be special for her.
She got her electric wheelchair last year on this very day. She was so excited. It was an amazing birthday for her. To see her so happy to be more independent, especially at her birthday party is a cherished moment. She waited such a long time for that day.
We were able to give that freedom and independence to a special little boy named Manny, by paying it forward and giving him her wheelchair. I know she is happy to know she could help another special child with that gift.
Today we celebrated her life. We had all the family over and we did what we do best...eat.
We wrote messages on balloons for her and released them for her to catch. We will continue to do this every year. I want Ava to always know that even though she is not physically here, she is always apart of us and always with us.
One thing Dennis and I have done since her first birthday was save her birthday banner and hang it up in her room. And it would be up all year long. It became a tradition and something we did special for her. I'll miss doing that this year, but maybe we'll start doing it with Ava and she can carry the tradition on for her.
Today has been difficult, but the one thing I just keep telling myself is....I'm glad I was able to be her mother. Regardless of how long. I'm glad she was mine....she is mine. She has given me so much in her little life. She gave me strength and she showed me to see the world in a different light. She showed me courage and perseverance. That bad things can happen in life, but great things can happen too. Great, beautiful things. She was a beautiful thing and I am so very glad she was given to me. I would not trade one day.
I am posting a video that I made. Unfortunately, it can't be viewed on mobile devices, so put your ipads down and go to your computer.
Happy Birthday Isabella Rose. I know you are celebrating it today in the arms of God. I bet it is amazing....
Thursday, July 19, 2012
He spoke to me
When someone you love passes away, it forces you to look at what your life is. Who you are as a person. What legacy you would leave behind when it is your turn. You realize that... life is so very short.
I have been struggling with my faith and I felt it was time to grab hold of that and face it head on. So, I just knew, I had to go where it all began. To my dear friend Debbie!
You see, Debbie and I are spiritual sisters. We found each other when we were both lost and we found the love of God together. We were baptised together on Easter Sunday many years ago. She is an inspiration to me. I knew if anyone could help me open my eyes, it was her.
I took the hour drive to her house and went to church with her. I didn't have any expectations. I just wanted to go with an open heart and an open mind.
It was not easy. There was so much anger and confusion. So much built up inside of me. I was afraid. Afraid to be exposed.....to be vulnerable. I prayed....for the first time in a very long time. I prayed one thing....to be filled.
I was getting frustrated and upset because I felt nothing. I prayed and prayed. There were people all around me, singing and dancing and praising God. I just wanted to feel Him. I wanted to believe again. And I felt nothing.
Somehow, when you go to church, it feels as if the sermon was intended just for you. Like the pastor is talking directly to you. In the beginning, everyone sings, gives praise and worship, and then the sermon to conclude. And when the sermon came, I still felt nothing. But as he started to preach, I realized....I'm supposed to be here. The sermon that day was about....Not Giving Up
Not giving up on life, not giving up on yourself and not giving up on God.
The last few minutes of service as the pastor is wrapping it up, it all flushed out. I dropped to my chair and cried. People are singing, praising, and it is all muffled noises. At that moment I cried for Bella and for the first time EVER in my life...God spoke to me. He said to me ....."Don't worry....I'm taking care of her"
That's it. The roof didn't come off and the sun didn't beam on me and a deep mans voice didn't speak to me in a cloud of smoke....it actually sounded like my own voice and it was merely a whisper, but I heard it and felt it flow through my body.
I felt this enormous weight lifted. Like I could physically feel it being lifted. I didn't go in there with questions and wanting God to explain to me why....I just went and allowed myself to hear what he wanted me to know....and it is exactly what I needed.
I know alot of people who do not share the same religion as I do, So maybe some may not fully understand or can relate and I respect every and all religions. Regardless of our beliefs, we all want to have faith...I am simply giving an honest account of my experience.
It's hard for me to explain what it did for me. My heart still aches for Bella, but I can finally think about her in a beautiful light. I can see her smile and her joy. When I think of her, I think about good memories. I don't consume myself with thoughts of her last moments and what could have been. I do have my moments of course.
I heard something that has stuck with me. It is better to have had and loved, than not at all.
I want to cherish the time I did have with her. And as we come up to her 8th birthday, I want to celebrate the life she had. Yes, I am still sad, I still cry for her, but I have peace because I know....I know she is in heaven and she is happy. She is not bound by her physical body any longer. She can run and play and dance. And I know, there is a bigger purpose for her. She left her stamp on so many peoples hearts. The legacy she left will continue to touch and move people. I am sure of that.
In closing....I am not perfect. Far from it. I don't wake up everyday and feel this positive. Having faith is a daily fight. You have to fight to keep believing. It's easy to start thinking dark thoughts and questioning everything. All the problems of my life didn't go away, and believe me, I have a bunch. But I have made a choice....I am willing to fight, because life is way too short to live in fear and sadness. I am still a work in progress.
There's a verse in a song I love.
I'm alive....even though apart of me has died. He took my heart and brought it back to life.....When the hurt and the healer collide....
I have been struggling with my faith and I felt it was time to grab hold of that and face it head on. So, I just knew, I had to go where it all began. To my dear friend Debbie!
You see, Debbie and I are spiritual sisters. We found each other when we were both lost and we found the love of God together. We were baptised together on Easter Sunday many years ago. She is an inspiration to me. I knew if anyone could help me open my eyes, it was her.
I took the hour drive to her house and went to church with her. I didn't have any expectations. I just wanted to go with an open heart and an open mind.
It was not easy. There was so much anger and confusion. So much built up inside of me. I was afraid. Afraid to be exposed.....to be vulnerable. I prayed....for the first time in a very long time. I prayed one thing....to be filled.
I was getting frustrated and upset because I felt nothing. I prayed and prayed. There were people all around me, singing and dancing and praising God. I just wanted to feel Him. I wanted to believe again. And I felt nothing.
Somehow, when you go to church, it feels as if the sermon was intended just for you. Like the pastor is talking directly to you. In the beginning, everyone sings, gives praise and worship, and then the sermon to conclude. And when the sermon came, I still felt nothing. But as he started to preach, I realized....I'm supposed to be here. The sermon that day was about....Not Giving Up
Not giving up on life, not giving up on yourself and not giving up on God.
The last few minutes of service as the pastor is wrapping it up, it all flushed out. I dropped to my chair and cried. People are singing, praising, and it is all muffled noises. At that moment I cried for Bella and for the first time EVER in my life...God spoke to me. He said to me ....."Don't worry....I'm taking care of her"
That's it. The roof didn't come off and the sun didn't beam on me and a deep mans voice didn't speak to me in a cloud of smoke....it actually sounded like my own voice and it was merely a whisper, but I heard it and felt it flow through my body.
I felt this enormous weight lifted. Like I could physically feel it being lifted. I didn't go in there with questions and wanting God to explain to me why....I just went and allowed myself to hear what he wanted me to know....and it is exactly what I needed.
I know alot of people who do not share the same religion as I do, So maybe some may not fully understand or can relate and I respect every and all religions. Regardless of our beliefs, we all want to have faith...I am simply giving an honest account of my experience.
It's hard for me to explain what it did for me. My heart still aches for Bella, but I can finally think about her in a beautiful light. I can see her smile and her joy. When I think of her, I think about good memories. I don't consume myself with thoughts of her last moments and what could have been. I do have my moments of course.
I heard something that has stuck with me. It is better to have had and loved, than not at all.
I want to cherish the time I did have with her. And as we come up to her 8th birthday, I want to celebrate the life she had. Yes, I am still sad, I still cry for her, but I have peace because I know....I know she is in heaven and she is happy. She is not bound by her physical body any longer. She can run and play and dance. And I know, there is a bigger purpose for her. She left her stamp on so many peoples hearts. The legacy she left will continue to touch and move people. I am sure of that.
In closing....I am not perfect. Far from it. I don't wake up everyday and feel this positive. Having faith is a daily fight. You have to fight to keep believing. It's easy to start thinking dark thoughts and questioning everything. All the problems of my life didn't go away, and believe me, I have a bunch. But I have made a choice....I am willing to fight, because life is way too short to live in fear and sadness. I am still a work in progress.
There's a verse in a song I love.
I'm alive....even though apart of me has died. He took my heart and brought it back to life.....When the hurt and the healer collide....
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
5 months....
As of yesterday, 5 months have passed.
I've learned some things about myself in the last 5 months. I've learned that I'm not very good at dealing with my emotions. I have always, my entire life, not allowed people to see me vulnerable. I always felt I was a strong woman and I would not allow myself to let anyone see any different. I am a fighter. I have fought through this life of mine and I will continue to fight. It gets exhausting, however. I find myself holding back my tears as I think of Bella. To physically hold back tears is not very easy, but a talent I have acquired over the years. I fear if I cried every time I felt the feeling too, I would always be crying. And crying is equally as exhausting.
I've learned that, life just keeps going. I engulf myself in my own troubles and when I happen to look up, I see everyones lives moving forward. In todays technology, we have the ability to see everyones lives as they live it. I see wonderful moments in my friends and families lives. I see pictures of the MDA summer camp that Bella was so excited to attend for the first time this year and see how much fun those special kids are having. I need to find a way to be happy for everyone and what happens in their lives, instead of finding a reason to feel sorry for myself and turn it around into my own sadness. I've realized that although everyone moves on with their own lives, doesnt mean Bella is forgotten.
I know I am not the only one who has felt grief. I speak with people with stories of their own and the pain they feel is just as real and as raw as mine, no matter how much time has passed. There's no magical words you can say to someone who has dealt with a death of a loved one. Whether it was to be expected or something that happened suddenly. Pain is pain, but the simplest smile, the comments letting us know your thinking of us, speak volumes. Everyone who comments on my posts or pictures do not go unnoticed, I promise.
I've come to realize, that I am not immune to depression. I recently stopped working my part time job for various reasons, so I have been at home, having lots of time to think. Alot of throwing pity parties, which I am the sole attender. I would find myself staring out into space for hours. Not thinking of anything really. Like sitting in a dark room with my eyes wide open. Depression is so easy to slip into. Instead of thinking about how lovely she was and what a joy she was, and remembering her laugh....I think about her in a hospital bed hooked to the machines that would breath for her. I think about my screams in the hospital. Heart wrenching screams. About the moment I had to tell my children. Horrible moments. No to mention the normal pressures of life. Thinking, as if Bella's death wasnt enough, we have to deal with other issues. Why can't we just catch a break! It brings you to a very dark place.
But...I have always said, that I am so glad that I have been blessed with a sane mind...at least I hope it is. I am able to think rational thoughts. I am a realist and I know that I have to pick myself up in order to move on with life. Nothing I can do will bring my baby back to us, but I try my best be positive and remember that I am always going to miss her and think about her, but life must go on. Doesn't mean I don't have those moments once and a while, but I'm able to take the short ride though it, and come out on the other side with hope.
I've decided to start teaching cake decorating. It's something I have always wanted to do....so I am going to dive into that and I think it will really help me to be focused on something positive and to interact with people will be nice. Hopefully it will be succesful.
So in closing....Everyday is a new day. Sometimes they're good and sometimes they aren't. My kids are awesome, and they remind me that I have many things to look forward to.
How was today? Well, I sit here past midnight with zit cream on my face, eating a pint of melting Cherry Garcia, not sure where that puts me...depends how you look at it I guess...could be a bad...could be very good. But tomorrow is a new day and I'm going to try my best to start it out good....I'll start by making my bed.
I've learned some things about myself in the last 5 months. I've learned that I'm not very good at dealing with my emotions. I have always, my entire life, not allowed people to see me vulnerable. I always felt I was a strong woman and I would not allow myself to let anyone see any different. I am a fighter. I have fought through this life of mine and I will continue to fight. It gets exhausting, however. I find myself holding back my tears as I think of Bella. To physically hold back tears is not very easy, but a talent I have acquired over the years. I fear if I cried every time I felt the feeling too, I would always be crying. And crying is equally as exhausting.
I've learned that, life just keeps going. I engulf myself in my own troubles and when I happen to look up, I see everyones lives moving forward. In todays technology, we have the ability to see everyones lives as they live it. I see wonderful moments in my friends and families lives. I see pictures of the MDA summer camp that Bella was so excited to attend for the first time this year and see how much fun those special kids are having. I need to find a way to be happy for everyone and what happens in their lives, instead of finding a reason to feel sorry for myself and turn it around into my own sadness. I've realized that although everyone moves on with their own lives, doesnt mean Bella is forgotten.
I know I am not the only one who has felt grief. I speak with people with stories of their own and the pain they feel is just as real and as raw as mine, no matter how much time has passed. There's no magical words you can say to someone who has dealt with a death of a loved one. Whether it was to be expected or something that happened suddenly. Pain is pain, but the simplest smile, the comments letting us know your thinking of us, speak volumes. Everyone who comments on my posts or pictures do not go unnoticed, I promise.
I've come to realize, that I am not immune to depression. I recently stopped working my part time job for various reasons, so I have been at home, having lots of time to think. Alot of throwing pity parties, which I am the sole attender. I would find myself staring out into space for hours. Not thinking of anything really. Like sitting in a dark room with my eyes wide open. Depression is so easy to slip into. Instead of thinking about how lovely she was and what a joy she was, and remembering her laugh....I think about her in a hospital bed hooked to the machines that would breath for her. I think about my screams in the hospital. Heart wrenching screams. About the moment I had to tell my children. Horrible moments. No to mention the normal pressures of life. Thinking, as if Bella's death wasnt enough, we have to deal with other issues. Why can't we just catch a break! It brings you to a very dark place.
But...I have always said, that I am so glad that I have been blessed with a sane mind...at least I hope it is. I am able to think rational thoughts. I am a realist and I know that I have to pick myself up in order to move on with life. Nothing I can do will bring my baby back to us, but I try my best be positive and remember that I am always going to miss her and think about her, but life must go on. Doesn't mean I don't have those moments once and a while, but I'm able to take the short ride though it, and come out on the other side with hope.
I've decided to start teaching cake decorating. It's something I have always wanted to do....so I am going to dive into that and I think it will really help me to be focused on something positive and to interact with people will be nice. Hopefully it will be succesful.
So in closing....Everyday is a new day. Sometimes they're good and sometimes they aren't. My kids are awesome, and they remind me that I have many things to look forward to.
How was today? Well, I sit here past midnight with zit cream on my face, eating a pint of melting Cherry Garcia, not sure where that puts me...depends how you look at it I guess...could be a bad...could be very good. But tomorrow is a new day and I'm going to try my best to start it out good....I'll start by making my bed.
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