5 months....

As of yesterday, 5 months have passed.

I've learned some things about myself in the last 5 months. I've learned that I'm not very good at dealing with my emotions. I have always, my entire life, not allowed people to see me vulnerable. I always felt I was a strong woman and I would not allow myself to let anyone see any different. I am a fighter. I have fought through this life of mine and I will continue to fight. It gets exhausting, however. I find myself holding back my tears as I think of Bella. To physically hold back tears is not very easy, but a talent I have acquired over the years. I fear if I cried every time I felt the feeling too, I would always be crying. And crying is equally as exhausting.

I've learned that, life just keeps going. I engulf myself in my own troubles and when I happen to look up, I see everyones lives moving forward. In todays technology, we have the ability to see everyones lives as they live it. I see wonderful moments in my friends and families lives. I see pictures of the MDA summer camp that Bella was so excited to attend for the first time this year and see how much fun those special kids are having. I need to find a way to be happy for everyone and what happens in their lives, instead of finding a reason to feel sorry for myself and turn it around into my own sadness. I've realized that although everyone moves on with their own lives, doesnt mean Bella is forgotten.

I know I am not the only one who has felt grief. I speak with people with stories of their own and the pain they feel is just as real and as raw as mine, no matter how much time has passed. There's no magical words you can say to someone who has dealt with a death of a loved one. Whether it was to be expected or something that happened suddenly. Pain is pain, but the simplest smile, the comments letting us know your thinking of us, speak volumes. Everyone who comments on my posts or pictures do not go unnoticed, I promise.

I've come to realize, that I am not immune to depression. I recently stopped working my part time job for various reasons, so I have been at home, having lots of time to think. Alot of throwing pity parties, which I am the sole attender. I would find myself staring out into space for hours. Not thinking of anything really. Like sitting in a dark room with my eyes wide open. Depression is so easy to slip into. Instead of thinking about how lovely she was and what a joy she was, and remembering her laugh....I think about her in a hospital bed hooked to the machines that would breath for her. I think about my screams in the hospital. Heart wrenching screams. About the moment I had to tell my children. Horrible moments. No to mention the normal pressures of life. Thinking, as if Bella's death wasnt enough, we have to deal with other issues. Why can't we just catch a break! It brings you to a very dark place.

But...I have always said, that I am so glad that I have been blessed with a sane mind...at least I hope it is. I am able to think rational thoughts. I am a realist and I know that I have to pick myself up in order to move on with life. Nothing I can do will bring my baby back to us, but I try my best be positive and remember that I am always going to miss her and think about her, but life must go on. Doesn't mean I don't have those moments once and a while, but I'm able to take the short ride though it, and come out on the other side with hope.

I've decided to start teaching cake decorating. It's something I have always wanted to do....so I am going to dive into that and I think it will really help me to be focused on something positive and to interact with people will be nice. Hopefully it will be succesful.

So in closing....Everyday is a new day. Sometimes they're good and sometimes they aren't. My kids are awesome, and they remind me that I have many things to look forward to.
How was today? Well, I sit here past midnight with zit cream on my face, eating a pint of melting Cherry Garcia, not sure where that puts me...depends how you look at it I guess...could be a bad...could be very good. But tomorrow is a new day and I'm going to try my best to start it out good....I'll start by making my bed.