He spoke to me

When someone you love passes away, it forces you to look at what your life is. Who you are as a person. What legacy you would leave behind when it is your turn. You realize that... life is so very short.
I have been struggling with my faith and I felt it was time to grab hold of that and face it head on. So, I just knew, I had to go where it all began. To my dear friend Debbie!
You see, Debbie and I are spiritual sisters. We found each other when we were both lost and we found the love of God together. We were baptised together on Easter Sunday many years ago. She is an inspiration to me. I knew if anyone could help me open my eyes, it was her.
I took the hour drive to her house and went to church with her. I didn't have any expectations. I just wanted to go with an open heart and an open mind.
It was not easy. There was so much anger and confusion. So much built up inside of me. I was afraid. Afraid to be exposed.....to be vulnerable. I prayed....for the first time in a very long time. I prayed one thing....to be filled.
I was getting frustrated and upset because I felt nothing. I prayed and prayed. There were people all around me, singing and dancing and praising God. I just wanted to feel Him. I wanted to believe again. And I felt nothing.
Somehow, when you go to church, it feels as if the sermon was intended just for you. Like the pastor is talking directly to you. In the beginning, everyone sings, gives praise and worship, and then the sermon to conclude. And when the sermon came, I still felt nothing. But as he started to preach, I realized....I'm supposed to be here. The sermon that day was about....Not Giving Up
Not giving up on life, not giving up on yourself and not giving up on God.
The last few minutes of service as the pastor is wrapping it up, it all flushed out. I dropped to my chair and cried. People are singing, praising, and it is all muffled noises. At that moment I cried for Bella and for the first time EVER in my life...God spoke to me. He said to me ....."Don't worry....I'm taking care of her"
That's it. The roof didn't come off and the sun didn't beam on me and a deep mans voice didn't speak to me in a cloud of smoke....it actually sounded like my own voice and it was merely a whisper, but I heard it and felt it flow through my body.

I felt this enormous weight lifted. Like I could physically feel it being lifted. I didn't go in there with questions and wanting God to explain to me why....I just went and allowed myself to hear what he wanted me to know....and it is exactly what I needed.

I know alot of people who do not share the same religion as I do, So maybe some may not fully understand or can relate and I respect every and all religions. Regardless of our beliefs, we all want to have faith...I am simply giving an honest account of my experience.

It's hard for me to explain what it did for me. My heart still aches for Bella, but I can finally think about her in a beautiful light. I can see her smile and  her joy. When I think of her, I think about good memories. I don't consume myself with thoughts of her last moments and what could have been. I do have my moments of course.

I heard something that has stuck with me. It is better to have had and loved, than not at all.
I want to cherish the time I did have with her. And as we come up to her 8th birthday, I want to celebrate the life she had. Yes, I am still sad, I still cry for her, but I have peace because I know....I know she is in heaven and she is happy. She is not bound by her physical body any longer. She can run and play and dance. And I know, there is a bigger purpose for her. She left her stamp on so many peoples hearts. The legacy she left will continue to touch and move people. I am sure of that.

In closing....I am not perfect. Far from it. I don't wake up everyday and feel this positive. Having faith is a daily fight. You have to fight to keep believing. It's easy to start thinking dark thoughts and questioning everything. All the problems of my life didn't go away, and believe me, I have a bunch. But I have made a choice....I am willing to fight, because life is way too short to live in fear and sadness. I am still a work in progress.

There's a verse in a song I love.
I'm alive....even though apart of me has died. He took my heart and brought it back to life.....When the hurt and the healer collide....