On the 30th, Bella would be 9 years old.
As the days get closer, I sit and think about what kind of stuff she would be into. What kind of party would I be planning for her. What kind of cake she would want....and it becomes all too real for me....she'll never celebrate another birthday. She'll never blow out candles and make her wish.
As our children get their school pictures, and we display them with pride....her picture will always be the same. She will always be 7.
I think about the day I'll see her face again. Will she still be 7, or will she be grown? One can only wonder.
I miss her so much. When I start to think about her, I find myself forcing myself to try and think about something else. There's nothing worse then that gut wrenching pain that changes the whole outcome of your day. I'm sure everyone has felt that...the feeling of losing something so dear to you...that throbbing pain in your heart that migrates down to the pit of your stomach and is a knot of unforgettable pain.
Even though she is not with us, we will still be celebrating the day she came into this world. We will celebrate the life she had.
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Saturday, April 27, 2013
I'm back!
It's hard to believe it has been 8 months since I've written. Since we came out with our story, I have been afraid to write. Not really sure if that fear was warranted, but with the media attention and a pending lawsuit, I felt I needed to be extra careful.
Then, I came to the realization that, I am not one who allows fear to dictate my life. I am an honest, out spoken and very strong woman. I can and will speak freely. I don't know how far my blogs branch out, but it has always been my goal to be open and honest about my grief in the hopes that I can help others. I even would love to start a foundation in Bella's honor and truly be a voice for those who don't feel they have one.
There has been a roller coaster of events in my life within the last 8 months. One being the death of another child in our lives. My friend Katharine lost her 13 year old daughter, Andrea, in November 2012, who was struck by a car on her way to school. She was Cullen's best friend. To see my son attend 2 funerals all within the same year was heart breaking. Andrea was his first "girlfriend" I swore they would be married some day. They argued like a married couple. They were eerily similar. Which created a special bond.
Andrea had a smile that could light up any room. When I was making cakes, she always wanted to watch and help, and I always told her my rule was, you can watch but can't ask a million questions. She was quite the chatter box. I wish I would have entertained her curiosity more.
I haven't spoken to Katharine in a few months. I'm sure she'll be reading this. I thought I could help her in her grieving process. I thought I was the "best" person to help her because I knew how she felt. I came to figure out, that, just as no one could help me in my grief, I could not help her either. We as individuals are the only answer to how we can deal with situations in our lives. In the process of me "trying" to help her, I became too involved in her life. For those who know me, I can be too forward, which can come off as brash or insensitive. Certainly not my intention, but when you are a control freak, such as myself, it becomes frustrating when others don't see things your way. I am thankful however, that I have the ability to step back and reflect and be able to correct those flaws, even if it's only momentarily.
It also became hard for me to comfort a friend in her time of mourning, when I myself was still mourning the loss of my daughter. When the accident with Andrea happened, I was there with Katharine. I was at the hospital with her. From the time they gave her hope that she will be okay, to the time they had to tell her she was gone. It was so painful. Not only to see your good friend going through what seemed to be the identical scenario as yourself, but for myself and my husband, who had to relive this nightmare all over again. To hear her screams....I knew those screams. Every scream of disbelief, pulled you further and further from the reality. Having to walk away from the hospital, knowing your life has forever been changed.
It was hard asking her....how are you doing....that's a humans normal response, but I already knew how she was doing. What she didn't realize, was I knew, not only because of my own experience, but because I was feeling the same way in those exact moments. I became a shell of a person. Not able to handle my own depression. Trying to wear my "famous" mask everyday. Trying to show strength especially in front of her, when in reality....I was not okay. So, I decided, I needed to giver her space to figure herself out, and I too, would do the same. There are times in life, when you have to recognize when to remove yourself from a situation....because you are not helping, but making it worse.
I have been doing a lot better. Working on myself mentally, emotionally and physically. So, I think, I'm ready to revisit our friendship.
We never stop growing as people. I know for myself, I have learned a lot over the last year. What you may expect your life to be, may not always be what is planned out for you. I consider myself a strong person, but have accepted that a strong person can show their weaknesses. That the world will not view me any differently because I woke up with my heart aching and I needed to cry all day. And boy, do I have those days. ALOT. As the last year has gone by, my grief has only become stronger. The pain of losing someone does not go away....EVER. We just learn to live our lives without them. I walk among you all with a smile on my face, but inside...inside, I am broken. I think about Bella all the time. It never stops. I can't and won't ever stop. Everything around me makes me think of her. Especially my daughter Ava. She was just about to turn 5 when Bella died, and here we are a year later, and she is still so very affected by it. She talks about her a lot. She goes around the house and kisses her pictures. She tells me, she wishes more than anything Bella could be here. She is young, and as painful as it is to hear her in such pain, I am so thankful, she still feels so close to her. I am so thankful she has beautiful memories of her.
My mother in law has recently been going through a rough patch, health wise. She had surgery and stayed at our house afterwards. I don't work, so it just was the logical choice. I had to learn to care for her wound. She has been with us for about 6 weeks. And it has been an eye opener for me. We all know our family, but I came to know her differently. We have bonded in a way that I will cherish forever. I am just the daughter in law....so I always thought. She has shown me love beyond that. I have gotten to know her soul... and it is beautiful. And I am so grateful to have had this time with her. She is not only my mother in law....she is my dearest friend.
Not to take anything away from her daughters.....I am thankful for them too. They are my sisters and I am glad they have embraced me and allowed me to help care for their mother as if she were my very own. I was just glad I could help.
I could go on and on, but I'll save it for another day. I have been gone for some time, but I am back and I will continue to write, so long as I have someone who will read....I will write.
Love to all....
Then, I came to the realization that, I am not one who allows fear to dictate my life. I am an honest, out spoken and very strong woman. I can and will speak freely. I don't know how far my blogs branch out, but it has always been my goal to be open and honest about my grief in the hopes that I can help others. I even would love to start a foundation in Bella's honor and truly be a voice for those who don't feel they have one.
There has been a roller coaster of events in my life within the last 8 months. One being the death of another child in our lives. My friend Katharine lost her 13 year old daughter, Andrea, in November 2012, who was struck by a car on her way to school. She was Cullen's best friend. To see my son attend 2 funerals all within the same year was heart breaking. Andrea was his first "girlfriend" I swore they would be married some day. They argued like a married couple. They were eerily similar. Which created a special bond.
Andrea had a smile that could light up any room. When I was making cakes, she always wanted to watch and help, and I always told her my rule was, you can watch but can't ask a million questions. She was quite the chatter box. I wish I would have entertained her curiosity more.
I haven't spoken to Katharine in a few months. I'm sure she'll be reading this. I thought I could help her in her grieving process. I thought I was the "best" person to help her because I knew how she felt. I came to figure out, that, just as no one could help me in my grief, I could not help her either. We as individuals are the only answer to how we can deal with situations in our lives. In the process of me "trying" to help her, I became too involved in her life. For those who know me, I can be too forward, which can come off as brash or insensitive. Certainly not my intention, but when you are a control freak, such as myself, it becomes frustrating when others don't see things your way. I am thankful however, that I have the ability to step back and reflect and be able to correct those flaws, even if it's only momentarily.
It also became hard for me to comfort a friend in her time of mourning, when I myself was still mourning the loss of my daughter. When the accident with Andrea happened, I was there with Katharine. I was at the hospital with her. From the time they gave her hope that she will be okay, to the time they had to tell her she was gone. It was so painful. Not only to see your good friend going through what seemed to be the identical scenario as yourself, but for myself and my husband, who had to relive this nightmare all over again. To hear her screams....I knew those screams. Every scream of disbelief, pulled you further and further from the reality. Having to walk away from the hospital, knowing your life has forever been changed.
It was hard asking her....how are you doing....that's a humans normal response, but I already knew how she was doing. What she didn't realize, was I knew, not only because of my own experience, but because I was feeling the same way in those exact moments. I became a shell of a person. Not able to handle my own depression. Trying to wear my "famous" mask everyday. Trying to show strength especially in front of her, when in reality....I was not okay. So, I decided, I needed to giver her space to figure herself out, and I too, would do the same. There are times in life, when you have to recognize when to remove yourself from a situation....because you are not helping, but making it worse.
I have been doing a lot better. Working on myself mentally, emotionally and physically. So, I think, I'm ready to revisit our friendship.
We never stop growing as people. I know for myself, I have learned a lot over the last year. What you may expect your life to be, may not always be what is planned out for you. I consider myself a strong person, but have accepted that a strong person can show their weaknesses. That the world will not view me any differently because I woke up with my heart aching and I needed to cry all day. And boy, do I have those days. ALOT. As the last year has gone by, my grief has only become stronger. The pain of losing someone does not go away....EVER. We just learn to live our lives without them. I walk among you all with a smile on my face, but inside...inside, I am broken. I think about Bella all the time. It never stops. I can't and won't ever stop. Everything around me makes me think of her. Especially my daughter Ava. She was just about to turn 5 when Bella died, and here we are a year later, and she is still so very affected by it. She talks about her a lot. She goes around the house and kisses her pictures. She tells me, she wishes more than anything Bella could be here. She is young, and as painful as it is to hear her in such pain, I am so thankful, she still feels so close to her. I am so thankful she has beautiful memories of her.
My mother in law has recently been going through a rough patch, health wise. She had surgery and stayed at our house afterwards. I don't work, so it just was the logical choice. I had to learn to care for her wound. She has been with us for about 6 weeks. And it has been an eye opener for me. We all know our family, but I came to know her differently. We have bonded in a way that I will cherish forever. I am just the daughter in law....so I always thought. She has shown me love beyond that. I have gotten to know her soul... and it is beautiful. And I am so grateful to have had this time with her. She is not only my mother in law....she is my dearest friend.
Not to take anything away from her daughters.....I am thankful for them too. They are my sisters and I am glad they have embraced me and allowed me to help care for their mother as if she were my very own. I was just glad I could help.
I could go on and on, but I'll save it for another day. I have been gone for some time, but I am back and I will continue to write, so long as I have someone who will read....I will write.
Love to all....
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