You think it gets easier with time, but it has only become harder. The longer the days go on, the farther away she feels. My life feels like it's in limbo...standing in stagnant water. I don't know if I'm coming or going. Everybody tells me that I am so strong....but I don't know if that is true. Its more like...avoidance. I wear a mask everyday and play a part. Inside, I'm left with a hole in my heart.
I'm confused on what my purpose is. I prepared a life revolving around her. Mentally and emotionally prepared to care for her for the rest of my life....that was my purpose. Now, don't get me wrong...I am not neglecting the fact that I have other children and a husband. My family is my life, but our lives did truly revolve around her. And we were okay with that. I thought...I would run my business making cakes and be able to be here and available for her and her doctors appointments etc. But now...my business doesn't even have meaning. I have put making cakes on hold, maybe even permanently. The joy I once felt just isn't there anymore.
I'm thankful to have my family to comfort me. It's strange, but Dennis and I never seem to be upset at the same time. There's always one of us to comfort the other. I know the strength in our marriage keeps us all put together. We'll get through this...together. I know over time, I'll find a new meaning to my life. A new way of thinking.
Bella was so full of life. She was so smart. Even though she was in a wheelchair, her future was bright. She loved to take videos of herself and her sister. She loved going to Fort Alderman park to walk the trail. When we walked over a bridge, she pretended it was a roller coaster. I hold those memories close to my heart. As sad as this day is...I want everyone to remember her as she was...a happy, fun and loving little girl.
I was so scared I was never going to hear her laugh again. Thank you
ReplyDeleteBella was truly loved so much. She touched so many people's hearts and souls. I think of her everyday and miss her so much. Lisa and Dennis I know Bella couldn't have had better parents. The love and support you both gave her everyday was amazing. Both of you are truly the most incredible people I've ever met. Your hearts are so big your the most selfless people who would do anything for anyone and I truly love you both with all my heart. It was an honor to be a part of her life, to see her smile, or hear her sing, for her to be there by the door saying hello when would come visit. I'll never forget her birthday when she got her chair. I was so glad to be part of that, she was so. excited and happy. I will never forget how her face lit up. I will truly cherish that and her forever.
ReplyDelete