I grew up as a Catholic. As I became an adult, I chose my own religious path and was re-baptized on Easter Sunday 9 years ago into a non denominational christian church. I have always been a believer. I have always felt a very strong connection with God.
I felt very deeply, that God chose me to care for Bella. He knew I was strong enough and He even helped me to discover my talent in cake decorating to help supplement income so I could stay home with her. I truly felt like He had set my path in front of me and I trusted in Him and I followed. What happened? Why did He take her from me?
I follow no one direction in Christianity, but have always believed there was a heaven and one day we would all be reunited there. But I find myself questioning everything. Everything I ever believed in. Is there really a Heaven? How do I explain to my 5 year old daughter about where Bella is and how we'll see her again one day...when I don't know if I believe it myself.
A good friend said to me..."God wants you to ask Him all your questions... and He will answer them" To this day...I can't bring myself to even pray. To talk to God. I know it is normal to feel anger and confusion, but I struggle with my faith so much so, that I struggle even to feel Bella close to me. I'm scared to let go and open my heart and my mind to the idea. I want so desperately to believe....I just don't understand what He wants from me. I try to see the bigger picture and tell myself that she did not die in vain. That there is something bigger. Was it the lives she saved by giving her organs to help them live? Was it to better the system so other children would not suffer from it?
Ava asks daily....why can't Bella take a plane and come back from Heaven? The most honest answer I have for her is...I don't know. I should be able to give her answers to settle her heart. To give her hope for the life we are told we will have one day in Heaven.
Am I afraid of facing the pain? Am I afraid the reality of her being gone will hit me so hard in the face, I won't even be able to function? I don't know what's stopping me from regaining that faith in God. I know over time, I will find what I am lacking, but for in the now, I just want to be able to feel her close to me. To feel, that she is hugging me when I need her. That she is happy........that she truly is living on.
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