Happy Birthday to my Angel

Birthdays are something I really make special for my kids. I try anyway, while they are still young. Eventually they become teenagers and want to have no part of it.
Being a cake decorator, my kids have lucked out with getting awesome cakes for the last couple years. Last year I made Bella a 4 foot tall Pinkalicious cake! I hand made most of her decorations. I really wanted it to be special for her.

She got her electric wheelchair last year on this very day. She was so excited. It was an amazing birthday for her. To see her so happy to be more independent, especially at her birthday party is a cherished moment. She waited such a long time for that day.
We were able to give that freedom and independence to a special little boy named Manny, by paying it forward and giving him her wheelchair. I know she is happy to know she could help another special child with that gift.

Today we celebrated her life. We had all the family over and we did what we do best...eat.
We wrote messages on balloons for her and released them for her to catch. We will continue to do this every year. I want Ava to always know that even though she is not physically here, she is always apart of us and always with us.

One thing Dennis and I have done since her first birthday was save her birthday banner and hang it up in her room. And it would be up all year long. It became a tradition and something we did special for her. I'll miss doing that this year, but maybe we'll start doing it with Ava and she can carry the tradition on for her.

Today has been difficult, but the one thing I just keep telling myself is....I'm glad I was able to be her mother. Regardless of how long. I'm glad she was mine....she is mine. She has given me so much in her little life. She gave me strength and she showed me to see the world in a different light. She showed me courage and perseverance. That bad things can happen in life, but great things can happen too. Great, beautiful things. She was a beautiful thing and I am so very glad she was given to me. I would not trade one day.

I am posting a video that I made. Unfortunately, it can't be viewed on mobile devices, so put your ipads down and go to your computer.

Happy Birthday Isabella Rose. I know you are celebrating it today in the arms of God. I bet it is amazing....

He spoke to me

When someone you love passes away, it forces you to look at what your life is. Who you are as a person. What legacy you would leave behind when it is your turn. You realize that... life is so very short.
I have been struggling with my faith and I felt it was time to grab hold of that and face it head on. So, I just knew, I had to go where it all began. To my dear friend Debbie!
You see, Debbie and I are spiritual sisters. We found each other when we were both lost and we found the love of God together. We were baptised together on Easter Sunday many years ago. She is an inspiration to me. I knew if anyone could help me open my eyes, it was her.
I took the hour drive to her house and went to church with her. I didn't have any expectations. I just wanted to go with an open heart and an open mind.
It was not easy. There was so much anger and confusion. So much built up inside of me. I was afraid. Afraid to be exposed.....to be vulnerable. I prayed....for the first time in a very long time. I prayed one thing....to be filled.
I was getting frustrated and upset because I felt nothing. I prayed and prayed. There were people all around me, singing and dancing and praising God. I just wanted to feel Him. I wanted to believe again. And I felt nothing.
Somehow, when you go to church, it feels as if the sermon was intended just for you. Like the pastor is talking directly to you. In the beginning, everyone sings, gives praise and worship, and then the sermon to conclude. And when the sermon came, I still felt nothing. But as he started to preach, I realized....I'm supposed to be here. The sermon that day was about....Not Giving Up
Not giving up on life, not giving up on yourself and not giving up on God.
The last few minutes of service as the pastor is wrapping it up, it all flushed out. I dropped to my chair and cried. People are singing, praising, and it is all muffled noises. At that moment I cried for Bella and for the first time EVER in my life...God spoke to me. He said to me ....."Don't worry....I'm taking care of her"
That's it. The roof didn't come off and the sun didn't beam on me and a deep mans voice didn't speak to me in a cloud of smoke....it actually sounded like my own voice and it was merely a whisper, but I heard it and felt it flow through my body.

I felt this enormous weight lifted. Like I could physically feel it being lifted. I didn't go in there with questions and wanting God to explain to me why....I just went and allowed myself to hear what he wanted me to know....and it is exactly what I needed.

I know alot of people who do not share the same religion as I do, So maybe some may not fully understand or can relate and I respect every and all religions. Regardless of our beliefs, we all want to have faith...I am simply giving an honest account of my experience.

It's hard for me to explain what it did for me. My heart still aches for Bella, but I can finally think about her in a beautiful light. I can see her smile and  her joy. When I think of her, I think about good memories. I don't consume myself with thoughts of her last moments and what could have been. I do have my moments of course.

I heard something that has stuck with me. It is better to have had and loved, than not at all.
I want to cherish the time I did have with her. And as we come up to her 8th birthday, I want to celebrate the life she had. Yes, I am still sad, I still cry for her, but I have peace because I know....I know she is in heaven and she is happy. She is not bound by her physical body any longer. She can run and play and dance. And I know, there is a bigger purpose for her. She left her stamp on so many peoples hearts. The legacy she left will continue to touch and move people. I am sure of that.

In closing....I am not perfect. Far from it. I don't wake up everyday and feel this positive. Having faith is a daily fight. You have to fight to keep believing. It's easy to start thinking dark thoughts and questioning everything. All the problems of my life didn't go away, and believe me, I have a bunch. But I have made a choice....I am willing to fight, because life is way too short to live in fear and sadness. I am still a work in progress.

There's a verse in a song I love.
I'm alive....even though apart of me has died. He took my heart and brought it back to life.....When the hurt and the healer collide....